It was raining the night we lost her. I must have been raining for twelve hours prior, possibly more. I couldn’t quite say for sure though, I often lose my sense of time in storms. I saw which direction she had run in though admittedly I hadn’t seen anything pursuing her, let alone something that would cause her to sprint off so frantically. I ran off after her in that same direction. But it was raining and it was mid fall and I began to grow cold. I should have worn something more than a tee-shirt. Eventually I had to go home.
The next morning I found her room looking unchanged, but vacant. I called the police department and told her which way she ran and how long she’d run for. I begged them to help me and I think they understood my plight. I went door to door in the neighborhood. I didn’t know many of the homes I appeared at and it dawned on me that maybe I wasn’t a very good neighbor. Nonetheless I hoped they weren’t busy. I went to every store front in town to hang signs in the window. Some took them down but I put them back up as soon as they walked away. I put out a notice in the local paper. I’m not sure if people read papers anymore.
I laid awake in my room for days. It was cold and I think the heat is broken. I can’t really fix it at the moment though, it cost more than I expected to put ads in papers, since no one really reads them. At the end of every night I prayed. I’m not very religious so I wasn’t quite sure who I should be praying to. I vaguely asked for help from whichever God was listening. I don’t know how this works but I’ve seen others do it and they all seem satisfied.
On Monday I went out behind my house to check the woods. It’s dense and not much sunlight gets through, at least this time I wore a coat. Right around sunset as a more bitter cold began to set it, I thought I heard someone scream. I sprinted in the direction I thought it had come from until I felt like I would vomit. It felt like hours, though I suppose it was closer to twenty minutes. I thought I had heard an animal that could have been anything but I got the sinking feeling that it was a wolf. I was startled by how impenetrable the dark had grown. Needless to say I found nothing.
On Tuesday I stayed home. The local news asked to come and interview me. I wasn’t in the best state of mind and so I absently agreed. They asked me quite a bit of questions but I found them all to be somewhat esoteric and I couldn’t see how they would be of much help. As they repacked their van I saw a crow in the tree in front of my house. The only tree I’m aware of on the entire block. I was certain it was an omen. I grabbed my rifle from inside the house and shot it.
The first thing I did Wednesday was burn the bird. Hoping I could kill my fate could I manage to step in front of it. The police came to my house. I’d been in contact almost constantly though this is the first time they had come to see me personally. When I saw the squad cars pull up to the driveway all I could think about was the bird. They told me it had been days since we’d lost her and it was unlikely that we would find her. This seemed odd to me. I guess I don’t understand how you can lose a person. Like a worn pair of shoes that I’d managed to misplace.
On Thursday I went to the river bed, it was in the opposite direction of the forest and moved quickly despite it being shallow. I screamed in the direction the water flowed and when the pain was becoming noticeable I continued to scream. My throat started to bleed. I was feeling embarrassed by my desperation and I’m sure those who could hear me, as understanding as they’d been, felt embarrassed for me as well. In reluctance I went home.
On Friday I awoke to find we’d lost power. I was shocked at how dark it was despite it being nine in the morning. I knew somewhere that the sun wasn’t really gone but I think I may have convinced myself of the contrary. I wandered the empty house for hours with no real purpose other than a need to quell the anxious feeling in my chest. I lost track of time and only realized how late it was when there was a knock at the door. It was 10 pm but the power still hadn’t come back on. The hair on my arm stood up and pointed in the direction of the door. When I opened it I found a shadow. He was holding a lantern, and wearing my father's old coat. The whole situation felt old, I felt a rush of memories that I knew where not mine. Dreams and experience of ancestors that had been lost and diluted through time or misguided hearsay. He reached out his bony hand and grabbed my wrist. I new what he wanted and felt an unspeakable pain in being unable to help him. He was caught in the wind and drifted back into a starless night.
And that night they found her, At 2:43 am her body appeared in the river. I remembered how many times I checked there though I suppose I was not thorough. They all asked her to come home but she appeared disinterested. She told them she had made friends with the fish, and promised them all presents, and at this point she just couldn't disappoint them. The news van returned within the hour but I chased them off with a shovel. On the way in I grabbed a screwdriver and carved her name into my arm. In retrospect I should have chose something sharper. I banged my head against the tile surrounding the cabinets until I was confused. I pulled all her clothes off the hangers and pulled the drawers out of the dressers. I donated it all to the shelter.
Who blocks out the sun? Or keeps making it rain? Who cuts the power and ushers in the cold weather? Who feeds the wolves and who comforts the shadows? Who fills the lanterns, and buries your ancestors? Who keeps records of memories they’d put their energy into preserving, but regardless fade like old Polaroids that you left under a window in your attic- for summer after summer. Who decides who dies sick, or who dies cold? Who decides who dies tired, and who dies old?
Sure I’ve lived through this, but I can’t say I feel much stronger. I don’t really feel like I’ve learned much either. My bitter has bred no sweetness and my pain has sprouted no flowers. My shell has cracked and sprung holes and a hard crust has formed over the broken pieces. I waste away my days in this cold home, trembling and embittered I compulsively check the weather. It was raining when they found her.